Gang Aft Agley

Y'know, what they say about the best laid plans of mice and men? They gang aft agley.

They often don't work out.

My best laid Lent plans have, for the most part, been gang-aft-aglay-ing. It has been a hard season. I've definitely learned that my relationship with God takes a backburner when I get stressed out, because I've noticed that sugar tends to take a front-burner. And while I probably could have told you that before Lent started, I definitely didn't want to think about it, and really didn't want to do anything about it.

But this Lent, even though I haven't been perfect in my ability to stay on track, I have been appreciative for this medium through which to think in community about what I have been doing and how it has or has not been benefiting me. So I wanted to post this not to shame myself, but to remind myself that there is always room for growth and there is always a place I can be closer to God than what I am.

So even though I've been gang-aft-agley recently (and while I will attempt to gang-aft-agley no longer), I at least know that I want to be closer to God than where I am today. And I at least know that I can still accomplish that, even though I am always screwing up.

The Prodigal Daughter

I have officially fallen off the bandwagon of my Lenten goal. My goal was not to have any sugar (at all) during Lent. After talking with my friend Kristy and several other people (and reading some great posts on this blog) about the tension between legalism and obedience, I think my awareness started to slip in an effort not to be "legalistic" about it. (What Clint posted about before, in the "is this good or is this not good"?)

I was ordering a scone one morning for breakfast when meeting a couple of friends for coffee, and a friend came up behind me and asked how my sugar fast was doing. And all of a sudden, halfway through eating the scone, I realized... it has sugar in it. The "slipping up" bothered me more because I hadn't even realized it, and less because I had "slipped up." I had just ordered the scone without thinking, because that's what I always do. Of course, I got tea because that's what I always do. No sugar. But the scone really bothered me.

Then, later that week, I went out to eat with my parents. And I ordered water, because that's what I always do. Then, during the meal, I heard the couple behind us eating the key lime pie, and I thought, "wow, I love key lime pie... wouldn't that be a great treat for celebration of this event?" And I ordered the key lime pie, and ate it. And I didn't even think about the sugar. Not until the next day when I was writing a review about the restaurant and thought... I had sugar last night and didn't even realize it!

Again, it isn't so much the slipping up (doing a behavior I wasn't supposed to do) that bothered me. It was the lack of awareness. The whole point of giving something up for Lent is to enhance your relationship with God and your awareness of your nature. And I like the posts that Clint & Amy have written on here about recognizing the tension between obedience to God's desires and the legalism of religious self-righteousness. So I guess what really makes me struggle with the "falling off the bandwagon" is that I didn't even think about it. I let myself get back into my patterns, and I wasn't conscious of what I was doing. I was just making decisions like I always made them. I was not drinking sugary coffee drinks or soda because I'm trying to drink more water (for health reasons). But I was ordering scones and key lime pie because that's just what I would do if I could eat whatever I wanted. But the problem is, I'm not supposed to be just eating whatever I wanted. I'm supposed to be giving up sugar for Lent, in order to be obedient to my awareness of God in my life.

This reminds me of the book The Prodigal God by Timothy Keller, where he talks about the parable of the prodigal son and the elder brother. The elder brother is keeping the rules, and thinks there's something inherently good about him because he can keep the rules. He feels righteous in his legalism. The younger brother knows that he cannot keep the rules, and he follows his selfish desires, but then he returns to his Father because he knows that only his Father can give him what he really needs. I don't want to be an elder brother about this, and try to beat myself into legalistic submission. But I don't want to be the younger son who just decides to fulfill his selfish desires because he can't keep all the rules. I want to be the younger brother who returns to his Father because he knows that only the Father can give him what He needs. I want to be appropriately repentant, and reform the behavior, but not for the sake of the behavior itself, or following the rules. Rather, for the restoration of the relationship with the Father that I had when my awareness was heightened through this Lenten practice.

So this is me confessing in front of the Church that I have not been honoring my relationship in the way I should have. I want to repent of this behavior, and turn back to the restoring love of my Father.

Sugar Addicts Anonymous

I'm on day seven of my Lenten sugar fast, and let me tell you... only the power of Christ compels me. I have been sugar-free for almost a week, and it's definitely a struggle.

Here are things that I have been doing:

I gave up all desserts (even fruity ones... just to be safe).
I gave up all boxed cereals (except Kashi)
I gave up all sodas and sweet drinks
I gave up all sweets (even sugar-free ones... just to be safe).
I gave up all juices (just to be safe).

At first, I thought it would be fine for me to do things like have sugar-free chocolate, or sugar-free ice cream. But what I noticed after having a couple of those on the second day... I craved sugar even more. So I just decided to try cold turkey and see if that worked.

Instead I am:

Drinking coffee/tea/espresso with no sugar.
Eating a lot more fruit.
Chewing a lot of gum.

It has been really interesting. I definitely can feel the difference sometimes. Well, I know the difference because I'm craving sugar a lot, but I can also feel the difference in that I'm not as tired in the afternoons, and I tend to sleep better. I'm wondering if this might not be a good lifestyle choice for me to just make. It seems drastic, but I wonder if it wouldn't be better for me physiologically (forget weight/health issues associated with sugar) to not have anymore refined sugar.

It is really hard, with the cravings. I don't know how I'm doing it, other than by the grace of God. Because there are some times I want sugar so bad, I can taste it. I've even gone to Starbucks a couple of times and just said to myself, if I get a scone or something, it's not really sugar, right? But I know it is. And I made a commitment. I want to honor that commitment. No momentary indulgence is going to be as sweet as honoring that commitment. 

I'm trying to steer as clear as I can of foods that I know are high in hfcs, as well. But it's hard to avoid syrup of any kind. It's been interesting. The post that Clint put up about legalism is one that has been eating at me a bit. I still need to think about it more, and I hope to post on it later.

I'm looking forward to seeing how everyone else's Lent is going.

Lenten Goals

This year for Lent, I've decided to give up sugar. A time-honored tradition exists in the liturgy of the church of giving up things for the season of Lent in order to learn the discipline of self control, and to identify with the sufferings of Christ. I've never really done this before, but I've been convicted lately that I have an addiction that I need to address that's getting in the way of making God the #1 priority in my life.

I am addicted to sugar. Like many Americans, I do the high-low of sugar addiction. And those lows are low. They can impede my ability to concentrate and work. I would love to get out of this cycle. I crave the high, the energy, the general up-ness of sugar. The endorphin rush. Even just talking about it, I can feel how much I want sugar right now (and I'm only on Day Two).

So I've decided to give up processed sugar of all kinds. I would love to give up all sugar, but that's just not reasonable for me. It's hard to throw a rock in your kitchen without hitting something that has high fructose corn syrup in it. But I'm going to be as careful as I can about that, as well. So my official goal is to avoid all sweets and sugars (sugar includes soda, coffee flavoring, non-fruit juices, all sugary drinks, all desserts--unless they are sugar free, and even then, I have to be careful about the HF-CS--all candy, chocolate, and baked goods). This is going to be intense for me. It's already been hard. But I think, with God's help, I can do it.

But since I'm doing one "abjuring", I thought I should do one "adding", too. So in addition to giving something up for Lent, I'm also adding something. I'm taking sugar out of my diet and putting fruit in. So I'm trying to eat 3-5 servings of fruit every day (not including juices, because most fruit juices are mostly sugar).

I'm also adding in a devotional reading, to support the changes I've made. I bought a Lenten Study on "freedom" that I will talk more about later. So my other addition is that I'm trying to do my one-day devotional reading every day of the 40 days until Easter.

God, please be with me. I will need it...