Wednesday, March 30, 2011
Already Slacking...
Well, we have weeks to go and I am already slacking on my Lenten promise. I have often given up things for lent, sugar, chocolate, etc... The normal type stuff. One year I decided that whenever I walked into a room I would sit in the most uncomfortable chair instead of comfortable ones. That was probably the easiest year because honestly, there just aren't that many really bad chairs out there... Well, this year, instead of giving something up I decided to add something. I added 1 hour a day of prayer/devotions/bible study on top of what I already was doing. It ends up usually to be about 40 minutes in the morning and 20 at night. Yesterday I did the full hour for the first time in 3 days. Yep - I'm a slacker and I feel bad about it. Why do I act like a yo yo with God? He is consistent yet I am so inconsistent in my devotion. The thing that really confuses me is that when I spend all that extra time with God I LOVE it...so why do I have to force myself to do it? I have no idea!
Saturday, March 26, 2011
Longing
Aside from giving up coffee and soda for Lent, I also gave up going to Starbucks. I love their tea, their smoothies, their lemon loaf... so I would have had many other reasons to go there aside from the "no coffee" rule. I live in a town that has Starbucks in three different grocery stores. I was at one of those stores yesterday, and as I walked through the Bakery section, Starbucks was on the left and the smell hit me. Mmmmmmmm. I love the smell of coffee, especially the smell of Starbucks coffee. It immediately transports me back to seminary, because there was a Starbucks on every corner and it was a great place to study. You could usually find me at one of their locations on Thursday and Sunday nights, as well as Saturday mornings. (I lived in a house with 5 other girls so the house was not the best place to get some work done.)
Does anyone else feel their heart hurt when they long for something? I was exploring a Doctorate program at a seminary a few days ago and I got this ache. I feel it when I miss someone, or when I remember a tough time in my life, or I feel it when my heart breaks. It really just does feel like an ache... and painful sense of longing for something that I want to be different in my life. Sometimes it's something I can change, sometimes it's something I can't, sometimes it's something I need to work on, and when it comes to Lent, I recognizing it's something I want to WANT to change. I didn't feel that ache at Starbucks yesterday, but I didn't recognize my emotion as "longing" and it got me thinking.
How lovely is your dwelling place,
O Lord of hosts!
My soul longs, yes, faints
for the courts of the Lord;
my heart and flesh sing for joy
to the living God. -Psalm 84:1-2
In desiring a grande soy carmel macchiato, I saw that my soul longs for the wrong things. So often, my soul longs for comfort (see my previous post). As I read through Psalm 84 today, I was struck by the last two verses:
For a day in your courts is better
than a thousand elsewhere.
I would rather be a doorkeeper in the house of my God
than dwell in the tents of wickedness.
For the Lord God is a sun and shield;
the Lord bestows favor and honor.
No good thing does he withhold
from those who walk uprightly.
O Lord of hosts,
blessed is the one who trusts in you! - v. 10-12
I think it's no coincidence that the last verse mentions trust in the Lord. It's given me much to pause on this day.
Thursday, March 24, 2011
one month to go!
I just looked at the calender and realized it is the 24th of March. Exactly one month until Easter. In some ways that seems long - but we know it will be here before we blink. Life has a way of doing that - flying by even when we think we have all the time in the world.
Twenty four is a nice number - it is even and two also divides nicely into four. I like nice even numbers. I don't know why - something within me feels peaceful when I see a nice number divisible by 2. Maybe because math was hard for me and 24 seems like a good number to work with. Much better than say 13 or something.
My life is like that - I like things to feel good and right. I like it when things are smooth and easy. But let's face it - that is seldom the case. If I have learned anything in my over 42 years on this planet it is that if things are great - just wait a minute. There WILL be a crisis. It is inevitable. I would like to think I am getting better at handling those... but sometimes I still find myself flat on my butt with the rug pulled out from under me.
So, one more month of Lent. Wonder where we will be? Wonder if we will have allowed God to do what He wants to in us by April 24th? I pray I listen and don't waste this month. I DO want to be more of who He wants me to be - but am I willing to let go of the easy and comfortable to get there? I pray for bravery to do so.
Twenty four is a nice number - it is even and two also divides nicely into four. I like nice even numbers. I don't know why - something within me feels peaceful when I see a nice number divisible by 2. Maybe because math was hard for me and 24 seems like a good number to work with. Much better than say 13 or something.
My life is like that - I like things to feel good and right. I like it when things are smooth and easy. But let's face it - that is seldom the case. If I have learned anything in my over 42 years on this planet it is that if things are great - just wait a minute. There WILL be a crisis. It is inevitable. I would like to think I am getting better at handling those... but sometimes I still find myself flat on my butt with the rug pulled out from under me.
So, one more month of Lent. Wonder where we will be? Wonder if we will have allowed God to do what He wants to in us by April 24th? I pray I listen and don't waste this month. I DO want to be more of who He wants me to be - but am I willing to let go of the easy and comfortable to get there? I pray for bravery to do so.
Sunday, March 20, 2011
On Again, Off Again
I've got my skype on and one of my friends keeps coming online and then offline due to her connection and there is a box that shows up on my screen each time.
On Again, Off Again.
It reminds me of my life with God right now. Lent is only 2 weeks in and I've not read my devotions each morning.
On Again, Off Again.
Wait, let me run to the kitchen table and read my devotion. From two days ago.
On Again, Off Again.
Someone on the radio (I switch from country, to classic country, to classic rock to Christian, to public) was talking about how we have this wondeful gift in having God's word with us and we aren't even opening the book. I also just finished reading Brother Andrew's God's Smuggler.
On Again, Off Again.
Eating healthy.
On Again, Off Again.
Reading a good book instead of watching Big Bang Theory for the umpeenth time.
On Again, Off Again.
Talking bad about my job, my boss, my co-workers only to do nothing about it, even when I shouldn't have been talking smack in the first place, knowing it's out of God's desire.
On Again, Off Again.
Wondering if I am spending more time being OFF AGAIN than ON AGAIN.
Sigh.
On Again, Off Again.
It reminds me of my life with God right now. Lent is only 2 weeks in and I've not read my devotions each morning.
On Again, Off Again.
Wait, let me run to the kitchen table and read my devotion. From two days ago.
On Again, Off Again.
Someone on the radio (I switch from country, to classic country, to classic rock to Christian, to public) was talking about how we have this wondeful gift in having God's word with us and we aren't even opening the book. I also just finished reading Brother Andrew's God's Smuggler.
On Again, Off Again.
Eating healthy.
On Again, Off Again.
Reading a good book instead of watching Big Bang Theory for the umpeenth time.
On Again, Off Again.
Talking bad about my job, my boss, my co-workers only to do nothing about it, even when I shouldn't have been talking smack in the first place, knowing it's out of God's desire.
On Again, Off Again.
Wondering if I am spending more time being OFF AGAIN than ON AGAIN.
Sigh.
Monday, March 14, 2011
Already... a lesson
So, my first 5 days of Lent started out wonderful.... with me being sicker than a dog.
I woke up Wednesday morning without a voice and by the afternoon I was so weak I could do little more than lay on the sofa and feel sorry for myself. I was scheduled to speak at a women's conference on Saturday, as well as lead worship at th e start of the day. So I did whatever I could not to talk in order to save my voice.
Saturday morning came and I made it through, though not sounding great at least I had some voice. But after leading worship for 30 minutes, then giving a 45 minutes workshop twice I promptly went home and crashed. When I woke up I was starving (as well as feeling a bit sorry for myself that I wasn’t at my peak that morning in front of over 100 local women). I heated up some leftovers and made a decision: to open and drink that Diet Dr. Pepper I had on the door in my fridge.
Let me back up:
I gave up coffee and soda for Lent this year. Soda is a common thing for me to give up - I drink far too much of it, it's expensive and it's bad for you anyway. This is the first time I've felt I needed to give up coffee. I'm not a "need a cup every day" kind of person. But I do find myself gravitating toward to more often than I have in the past, so I added it to the list.
So... back to Saturday. I opened that can of soda, heard that fizz of carbonation, and thought about Lent. Even before I open the can, as I was puttering around the kitchen making myself a plate of food, I kept thinking "Will I or won't I? Should I or shouldn't I? What does giving something up for Lent really mean, anyway? I'm not sure I really care that I stick to this anyway."
I took the first few bites of food and felt this almost sizzle-like feeling in my mouth. I wanted that soda. So I took a drink.
And it was disgusting.
I hadn't had soda since Tuesday, and my taste-buds had already adjusted. Each time I've given up soda for Lent in the past it's been hard to go back because it simply tastes so syrupy-sweet and decidedly saccharin. I had to ask myself why, when there was tea and water available to me, that soda was where I went for my "default"? And I can't really explain it... other than to say there is this satisfaction that happens in my brain when I take me first few drinks of any kind of carbonation.
It doesn't take a rocket scientist to know where I'm going with this.
Everyone, in one way or another, has a way they comfort themselves. For some it's taking to a certain friend. For some it's certain kinds of food or exercise. (I had a roommate in seminary who worked out 3 hours a day.) Some people like a good nap or watching a movie as a form of comfort... maybe it's reading a great book with a great cup of tea in your hand. I realized that soda had clearly become a form of that for me. I felt bad. I wanted to feel better. I think soda can do that for me. What was humbling (though not nearly humbling enough, for my great pride got in the way) for me was knowing that I have a much greater source of comfortable available to me. And this, my friends, is why we celebrate Lent. To discover our idols, knock them off their pedestals and put what rightly belongs on the pedestal in the first place: God.
The God of great comfort is waiting in the wings, wanting so badly to be the one I run to when I need comfort, satisfaction, and well, just to feel better. And I am choosing soda instead? What is wrong with me? It is in these kinds of revelatory moments that the devastation from the Fall brings me to my knees. I weep and mourn for the brokenness in my heart and in the world.
But as the season of Lent doesn’t last forever… neither did the Fall. Jesus is redeeming the world, our hearts, and his people. May I not only live in the light of that fact, but learn to live in the light of his willingness and love for comforting me when I need it the most.
O LORD, you are my God;
I will exalt you; I will praise your name,
for you have done wonderful things,
plans formed of old, faithful and sure.
For you have made the city a heap,
the fortified city a ruin;
the foreigners’ palace is a city no more;
it will never be rebuilt.
Therefore strong peoples will glorify you;
cities of ruthless nations will fear you.
For you have been a stronghold to the poor,
a stronghold to the needy in his distress,
a shelter from the storm and a shade from the heat;
for the breath of the ruthless is like a storm against a wall
-Isaiah 25: 1-4
I woke up Wednesday morning without a voice and by the afternoon I was so weak I could do little more than lay on the sofa and feel sorry for myself. I was scheduled to speak at a women's conference on Saturday, as well as lead worship at th e start of the day. So I did whatever I could not to talk in order to save my voice.
Saturday morning came and I made it through, though not sounding great at least I had some voice. But after leading worship for 30 minutes, then giving a 45 minutes workshop twice I promptly went home and crashed. When I woke up I was starving (as well as feeling a bit sorry for myself that I wasn’t at my peak that morning in front of over 100 local women). I heated up some leftovers and made a decision: to open and drink that Diet Dr. Pepper I had on the door in my fridge.
Let me back up:
I gave up coffee and soda for Lent this year. Soda is a common thing for me to give up - I drink far too much of it, it's expensive and it's bad for you anyway. This is the first time I've felt I needed to give up coffee. I'm not a "need a cup every day" kind of person. But I do find myself gravitating toward to more often than I have in the past, so I added it to the list.
So... back to Saturday. I opened that can of soda, heard that fizz of carbonation, and thought about Lent. Even before I open the can, as I was puttering around the kitchen making myself a plate of food, I kept thinking "Will I or won't I? Should I or shouldn't I? What does giving something up for Lent really mean, anyway? I'm not sure I really care that I stick to this anyway."
I took the first few bites of food and felt this almost sizzle-like feeling in my mouth. I wanted that soda. So I took a drink.
And it was disgusting.
I hadn't had soda since Tuesday, and my taste-buds had already adjusted. Each time I've given up soda for Lent in the past it's been hard to go back because it simply tastes so syrupy-sweet and decidedly saccharin. I had to ask myself why, when there was tea and water available to me, that soda was where I went for my "default"? And I can't really explain it... other than to say there is this satisfaction that happens in my brain when I take me first few drinks of any kind of carbonation.
It doesn't take a rocket scientist to know where I'm going with this.
Everyone, in one way or another, has a way they comfort themselves. For some it's taking to a certain friend. For some it's certain kinds of food or exercise. (I had a roommate in seminary who worked out 3 hours a day.) Some people like a good nap or watching a movie as a form of comfort... maybe it's reading a great book with a great cup of tea in your hand. I realized that soda had clearly become a form of that for me. I felt bad. I wanted to feel better. I think soda can do that for me. What was humbling (though not nearly humbling enough, for my great pride got in the way) for me was knowing that I have a much greater source of comfortable available to me. And this, my friends, is why we celebrate Lent. To discover our idols, knock them off their pedestals and put what rightly belongs on the pedestal in the first place: God.
The God of great comfort is waiting in the wings, wanting so badly to be the one I run to when I need comfort, satisfaction, and well, just to feel better. And I am choosing soda instead? What is wrong with me? It is in these kinds of revelatory moments that the devastation from the Fall brings me to my knees. I weep and mourn for the brokenness in my heart and in the world.
But as the season of Lent doesn’t last forever… neither did the Fall. Jesus is redeeming the world, our hearts, and his people. May I not only live in the light of that fact, but learn to live in the light of his willingness and love for comforting me when I need it the most.
O LORD, you are my God;
I will exalt you; I will praise your name,
for you have done wonderful things,
plans formed of old, faithful and sure.
For you have made the city a heap,
the fortified city a ruin;
the foreigners’ palace is a city no more;
it will never be rebuilt.
Therefore strong peoples will glorify you;
cities of ruthless nations will fear you.
For you have been a stronghold to the poor,
a stronghold to the needy in his distress,
a shelter from the storm and a shade from the heat;
for the breath of the ruthless is like a storm against a wall
-Isaiah 25: 1-4
Friday, March 11, 2011
From Revised Common Lectionary Prayers p. 77
Righteous God,
in humility and repentance
we bring our failures in caring, helping, and loving
we bring the pain we have caused others,
we bring the injustice in society of which we are a part,
to the transforming powerof your grace.
Grant us the courage to accept the healing you offer
and turn again toward the sunrise of your reign,
that we may walk with you in the promise of your peace
you have willled for all the children of the earth,
and have made known to us in Christ Jesus. Amen
in humility and repentance
we bring our failures in caring, helping, and loving
we bring the pain we have caused others,
we bring the injustice in society of which we are a part,
to the transforming powerof your grace.
Grant us the courage to accept the healing you offer
and turn again toward the sunrise of your reign,
that we may walk with you in the promise of your peace
you have willled for all the children of the earth,
and have made known to us in Christ Jesus. Amen
Thursday, March 10, 2011
from Nouwen
A friend gave me a Lenten devotional from the lectures of Henri JM Nouwen. I was standing in my kitchen this morning, drinking my tea and reading today's message. I was really struck by this morning's message and thought that even though it is not my own that I would share it with you to see your response.
---------
From Fear to Love
Lenten Reflections on the Parable of the Prodigal Son
Every Child is Blessed
I have called you friends, because I have made known to you everything I have heard form my Father. John 15:15
We are all blessed in our very creation, and this blessing never leaves us. Our challenge is to claim our "original blessing" as children of the One who gave it to us. We may have been wounded by what is known as original sin, but we are healed by our original blessing. The original blessing, the unconditional love of God, was present in God's mind and heart long before our conception. It touches us from before our beginnings until after our deaths. It embraces us forever. Each of us is "a blessed one." That is our primary identity.
Every time we take bread, bless it, break it, and give it, we summarize the whole movement of Divine Love. Jesus also takes (chooses) us, blesses us, breaks us with all our undeserved suffering, and gives us for others. Before we are broken we are blessed. We are not broken because of fault but because we are blessed sons and daughters, like Jesus. Our brokenness allows us to be given in solidarity with all others in the world, just as bread is broken and given to many. We constantly see Jesus doing this: he takes, he blesses, he breaks and he gives. That's what he does. Let us not forget that. Like Jesus, we also are taken, blest, broken and given, because, like Jesus, we are beloved sons and daughters from our very beginning.
----------
The italics are mine and that's the line that really speaks to my heart. We are one. One body in Christ. When one suffers we all suffer. Really? Am I suffering with my brothers and sisters around the world? In my own neighborhood? Do I even know enough about them to suffer with them? I pray that the Lord will continue to open my eyes to see the suffering of the world that I may not only suffer with others but be motivated to action from that suffering. Action dictated by God, not me.
---------
From Fear to Love
Lenten Reflections on the Parable of the Prodigal Son
Every Child is Blessed
I have called you friends, because I have made known to you everything I have heard form my Father. John 15:15
We are all blessed in our very creation, and this blessing never leaves us. Our challenge is to claim our "original blessing" as children of the One who gave it to us. We may have been wounded by what is known as original sin, but we are healed by our original blessing. The original blessing, the unconditional love of God, was present in God's mind and heart long before our conception. It touches us from before our beginnings until after our deaths. It embraces us forever. Each of us is "a blessed one." That is our primary identity.
Every time we take bread, bless it, break it, and give it, we summarize the whole movement of Divine Love. Jesus also takes (chooses) us, blesses us, breaks us with all our undeserved suffering, and gives us for others. Before we are broken we are blessed. We are not broken because of fault but because we are blessed sons and daughters, like Jesus. Our brokenness allows us to be given in solidarity with all others in the world, just as bread is broken and given to many. We constantly see Jesus doing this: he takes, he blesses, he breaks and he gives. That's what he does. Let us not forget that. Like Jesus, we also are taken, blest, broken and given, because, like Jesus, we are beloved sons and daughters from our very beginning.
----------
The italics are mine and that's the line that really speaks to my heart. We are one. One body in Christ. When one suffers we all suffer. Really? Am I suffering with my brothers and sisters around the world? In my own neighborhood? Do I even know enough about them to suffer with them? I pray that the Lord will continue to open my eyes to see the suffering of the world that I may not only suffer with others but be motivated to action from that suffering. Action dictated by God, not me.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)